January 6, 2006

With the New Year here it seems appropriate to mark some resolutions in this column. I sat down with pen in hand (ok, not exactly) and eagerly awaited the resolutions to come pouring out. I waited for awhile. Nothing happened. Of course the ubiquitous “go to the gym” came up but who are we kidding? Then it occurred to me that maybe I can’t resolve to make any changes because I’m approaching this the wrong way. I should approach the New Year resolution like a corporate review. Have a few, small, attainable, realistic goals for myself - the key word being attainable.

So, as I thought about my “goals” for 2006 I had to look over 2005. 2005 was in a word, overwhelming. Not bad, not good, just overwhelming and this sentiment seemed to be echoed by everyone I knew. I’m not sure if it was just 2005, the state of the world, the state of our individual worlds or a combination. I wish I could even say it was just New York, but I don’t think it was that either. But I kept coming back to this sense of being overwhelmed.

Growing older has its upshot – independence, money, drinking. It also has its downside – independence, bills, hangovers and perhaps what no one really says out loud – loneliness. And it is that feeling that is awful and overwhelming. No one wants to admit it because it feels like admitting you are a failure. I know I felt, feel that way. But, I admit it. I’ve been feeling lonely. And, it’s not as simple as just wanting someone around, it’s a feeling of wanting the right person around. It’s palpable and only gets worse or, feels that way anyway. When I was 25 it didn’t occur to me that I might even want or need this. I was having too much fun. At 30, it’s different – the bloom of going to some ridiculous party and talking to a hundred guys has come off. Maybe I’m maturing. Well, maybe not that exactly but being with someone that gets me is so much more appealing than sleeping with a certain amount of men before I get married. Yes, women have those “lists” also.

I’m not sure what brought on this spurt of maturity for lack of a better word. I know I was feeling lonely even if I couldn’t identify it at the time. Three of my ex-es got engaged this year and they all crushed me in different ways. I think that might have had something to do with the lonely feeling. It wasn’t that I wanted to get married of even marry any of them; it was that they didn’t want ME. I was even shocked at how upset and disturbed I was by this turn of events. So, this year I don’t have any resolutions but I do have a goal to not be lonely.

If this were a corporate review I would think of small steps to reach my goal. You have a goal of getting promoted so you say “Go to X amount of training sessions”. So, the next time an ex (boyfriend or otherwise) of mine gets engaged (it’s up to 7 now) I will not let that mean I have a problem. It just means it wasn’t right for us or, the bastard didn’t know any better. Just kidding. I will, “Go on X amount of dates”…or maybe just buy myself a new pair of shoes (trust me, it’s an amazing cure for loneliness). You get the idea. It’s simple and within reach. I’m not saying you can’t have lofty goals but I think there is something to goals that can be attained aside from the feeling of accomplishment. I think it spurns good vibrations which only lead to more good vibrations.

A few columns back, a reader wrote me asking me about how to approach someone; how to make the first move. And, in theory I know the answer – make eye contact, smile and my favorite “take a risk”. But, in practice I realized I don’t do it enough of it myself. Shameful for a columnist on the subject, I know. It occurred to me that when I am out I am usually with my friends and frankly, I’m not “looking”. I think I have always been of the school of thought “you can’t look for love”. Taking that into account while I’m perfectly social, perhaps I need to do something a little more active.

Case in point: there was this one time I walked into a store with my girlfriend and the sales guy came up to us to "help" or, so I thought. He was being very flirty and I responded in kind, but I didn't do anything. I walked out of the store only to have my girlfriend hit me. "What are you doing? He liked you! You should have gotten his number!" I just stared at her like she was speaking a foreign language. Is that what I was supposed to do? Oops. I went back in a week later, he remembered me, we flirted some more and he gave me his number. No great love story emerged, BUT I remember feeling so exhilarated afterwards that I didn’t regret it, not for one second. I’m going to try that again (with someone else) sometime in 2006.

I’m not sure if any of this actually works but does it really matter? It’s exhausting to analyze, to stew in self-pity and wonder what I did wrong when I could just be thinking about what I want to do next. The possibility is so much more exciting than the alternative. Sounds good for now anyway and I’m sure like most “goals” I’ll have to remind myself of this come the first week of February when another *@&^%$# ex of mine gets engaged. But that’s the beauty of having something in print, it always comes back to bite you on the a