September 30, 2005

Girls have the best stories. Just mix one part cocktail and two parts over a decade of dating and the stuff that comes out is worth its weight in gold. Case in point, I was having drinks with two of my girlfriends the other night and the obvious topic of men, boyfriends and other crap came up. I still haven’t completely cracked the connection between alcohol and ex-boyfriends, but it’s a toxic combination almost always resulting in a regrettable drunk-dialing incident.

My one friend regaled us with tales about her ex, which is in that inevitable “gray area” as well as the countless number of bad-date stories that she had to choose from. Of course, this led to the “sharing” moment between the three of us to see who would get first prize. She won that night. She met a guy at a bar with friends and for the first couple of hours he seemed great, funny, interesting even, until of course he told her he wanted to share something about himself with her. He decided that was the moment to tell her that he didn’t masturbate. He never had and he never would. Keep in mind they weren’t talking about anything closely related to that subject beforehand. I don’t make this shit up. Frankly it didn’t matter who won, it’s always the same thing. It’s a jungle out there.

When I am having this conversation with my girlfriends, who are mostly rational, sane, intelligent women one would get the impression that the men that are out there are…well, freaks. The funny thing is when I talk to my single male friends they have the same thing to say. All the available women out there are freaks as well. I’ve heard nightmarish stories on both sides of the gender pool, although I will admit I am slightly biased towards my gender. So, I’m wondering if it’s something cosmic, as in all the right people aren’t meeting, like ships sailing past each other in the night?

Let me address this in another way. I listen to these awful stories from my male friends, who are also mostly sane, intelligent and rational and I think yes, these women they go out with are crazy. They all say the same thing. The women they approach or date are only interested in getting married, how much they make and what men will buy them. From the greeting, “So, what do you do again?” to the rejection, “I only date guys that make/do ______ (fill in the blank) to the favorite, “Where’s my ring?” – these women are either too confident or too desperate. By the way, where are they meeting these women? Of course, I sit and I try and apply these stories to women I know because I am really interested in figuring this out. Are we really like that? Did we unknowingly do some seriously freaky shit that we were unaware of? For example, I have a friend who approached every first date wondering if this was the man who would be her husband, the father of her child. She’d have an entire relationship, first fight, tenth fight and breakup before the appetizers arrived. Okay, not the healthiest approach to dating but hardly one of the types described above. Having said that, I’d even run away from her. Sorry.

On the other hand, I remember being on a blind date once that started off with a lot of potential. We were having fun, it was relaxed and the conversation was good until he started to drink too much. I could already see where this was going to go. I tried to refuse the after dinner port, feigning exhaustion, but it was too late. The sad part was that I thought I could’ve liked him so I was trying desperately to avoid any situation where he might say or do something he regretted. But it was a train wreck waiting to happen and just as I thought we were in the clear, he said a most embarrassing statement. I can’t even talk about it. Okay, I can. He said he wanted “to lay with me”. What?! What does that even really mean? I think I would have rather he just said he wanted to fuck me. After that, I thanked him for the evening and ran straight for the nearest cab. [A note to all of you: don’t try to out drink your date even if you think he/she is lightweight. This never has a happy ending. The rule of thumb is that you are probably said lightweight.]

When did it all get so hard? I want to say after high school but I think definitely after college and especially right now. At least in that environment you had the natural setting of shared, close sleeping quarters, no responsibility, nothing but time on your hands, a blind faith in your fellow man and alcohol. Lots and lots of alcohol. Dating in the modern, cosmopolitan sense is actually a very unnatural setting. Sure, it’s carefree and for a brief time there you really are looking to just have fun, but for the most part we are all looking to pair up in some way. Why else would any of us go through this madness day in and day out? Think about it – guys have the unbearable responsibility in most cases, to approach women and get rejected 9 times out of 10. And women have the exhausting task of trying to be all things to all men but still remain, steadfastly, themselves.

The first date nervous tension is inevitable. We all accept that. All things worth having are worth getting nervous about. But here’s a thought: we’ve all been on a date that we weren’t into or an interview for a job that we didn’t really want and those went pretty well, right? Here’s an idea: whenever we really don’t want something that annoying little voice (a.k.a. inner freak) in your head disappears. Approach a first date, a job interview, an audition from the same place, “You don’t want it that bad”. Can’t hurt to try, right? Your inner freak is just waiting for you to feed it with too much alcohol, say something stupid or worse yet, listen to your mother’s nagging voice. That’s a lot of voices. For most of us who are schizoid enough, that’s two voices too many.

So, in my bid to ease or rid the world of this pressure (and with any luck, freaks) I ask all of you ladies to be nice to next guy that sidles up to you in a bar and let him get you a drink. He may not be your “type” but if you’re like most women, you don’t really have a type. It’s a myth fabricated by Danielle Steele novels. And guys - please don’t wait until we are about to leave the bar before you approach us. Don’t be scared if we’re with other girls, just bring friends but be subtle. We all know about the wingman. We’ve all seen the beer commercial. Just come up and talk to us, sans line (unless it’s really creative). Trust me, we appreciate the effort and I promise we won’t bite.