July 10, 2005

MIKE
How long do I wait to call?

TRENT
A day.

MIKE
Tomorrow?

TRENT
No...

SUE
... Tomorrow, then a day..

SUE
Definitely. Two days. That's the
industry standard...

TRENT
... I used to wait two days. Now
everyone waits two days. Three days is
kinda money now, don't you think?

MIKE
Yeah, I'll tell her I don't remember and
then I'll ask what she looks like.
(pause)
Then I'll ask if we fucked. How's that,
Tee? Is that "the money"?

TRENT
Laugh all you want, but if you call to
soon you can scare off a nice baby who's
ready to party.

“Swingers” (1996) by Jon Favreau

And there it is folks, the eternal struggle between men, women and the phone wrapped up in a nice, pretty box tied with a bow.

How many times have you had this conversation with a friend: “I don’t know what happened? Things were going so great but he hasn’t called back in a day/week/month.” Recent theories, books and Oprah would have you believe “He’s not that into you,” or that you didn’t follow “The Rules”. Fuck that!

It got me thinking about how much time we waste on trying to figure this all out. I, alone probably wasted a good part of my twenties trying to unravel the mystery. It all started junior year of high school when the boy who would come to be later known as my first love, Anthony (sigh) started calling me the summer before senior year. We talked every day, a couple of times a day. It was AMAZING. Even then, I was unconsciously aware to not show my cards too soon. So I played it as cool as I possibly could for a 17 year old. Until one day while we were talking on the phone he said he loved me. Correction, he said he was talking to the “love of his life” (yes, I still remember). Considering I was the only other person on the line, I had to assume he meant me. I was hooked. Do you know what happened next? He didn’t call the next day, or the day after, or the week after that. No rhyme, no reason. It just stopped and I like many girls before me turned into a slightly “darker” version of myself reminiscent of Glenn Close in “Fatal Attraction”. Anthony and I went on the on-off roller coaster for a year afterwards but I was never the same after that day.

While, I’ve gotten better at playing the “game” every so often you still get blindsided and you are 17 all over again. By the way, yes it is a game and whoever says it isn’t is lying to themselves. The truth is there really is no mystery as to why the phone suddenly stops ringing. It just does. It’s timing my friends and women seem to be perpetual prisoners of it. We sit and wait for the call and guys know it. Frankly, even if we aren’t waiting for the call, guys think we are. If Trent’s dissertation above didn’t shed some light on it for you read it again or, just rent Swingers if you haven’t seen it. It’s brilliant.

Without giving away too much, I offer that we women take a cue from our counterparts and try not to think too much…about any of it. You’ll save yourself a lot of heartache and headache if you can do that. Therein lies the rub: women are by nature analytical to a fault at times, and we can’t help but want to figure it all out. Maybe we need to approach dating and men with a more Buddhist approach – lose all attachments. If we don’t care then it doesn’t matter. Right? Or, if I’m right – if we don’t care then they’ll come running like Pavlov’s dogs because it’s that easy. (Oh, I’m sorry did I say that out loud? We’ll get to that later.)

So, going back to why the phone never seems to ring when we want it to – there are two theories, I think.

Theory #1: Men tend to get scared easily and react by not acting at all.

Seems plausible, right? We all like to think our men are so deep and complicated that they were so obviously scared off when an intense connection was made that they just panicked and did nothing. It’s a nice story and perhaps it’s even true in some cases, but let’s get serious here. For the majority of us, with the exception of those with deep rooted psychological trauma and abandonment issues, an emotional connection while scary isn’t enough to make us run for the hills. Desperation makes us run. This is the same for men and women. The slightest whiff of its sour scent makes us want to run to another state, take our phones off the hook, dye our hair and change our names.

I know what you are thinking. “But, I wasn’t desperate? We just had a good time. What happened?” This leads me to the next theory (a personal favorite).

Theory #2: Men think every woman wants them.

Before I even get started on this, wouldn’t it be nice if most women thought this way? Think about it. How many men do you know when talking about a woman they have just met or are going out with, are unsure that the woman is into them? Not too many. Men leap to the positive – “She wants me”. It could be as innocuous a gesture as a hello, but nevertheless the answer is a resounding “I can” rather than an “I can’t”. You have to love that go-getter attitude! We ladies could take a lesson here. It’s never, “Oh, I don’t know how she feels about me. I wonder if she thinks I’m too fat/not hot enough”. Notice how much longer it takes to say what we’re thinking.

This “theory” goes hand in hand in hand with the desperation statement. It goes a little something like this. Things started off really well between the both of them. She is feeling fine and great about herself. She likes him but isn’t sure she likes him enough to see him again. Three days go by without a call, then a week. She’s feeling anxious and a bit nauseous. He’s on PlayStation. She starts to wonder what she did. Was it something she said/wore/didn’t say/didn’t wear? Suddenly this call that she didn’t even want has become her singular focus. This is where it all goes south. She starts secreting “eau de insecurity” and believe me, even though he’s across town and having a beer with his friends, he smells it. He may not even be sure what it is but he’s not going to call back.

When I turned 25, I had this, shall we say “crisis”. You know the whole, “I should be married or at least in a serious relationship” business. The point is, I freaked out. The guy I wanted to be with was torn and trying to figure things out with his long-term girlfriend. I told him he should marry her and he did. Nice move on my part. Almost simultaneously, I started seeing a guy who for all intensive purposes fit the requirements on paper. I wasn’t into him but he made me laugh and he was a good kisser. I decided I was going to make it work no matter what. Even after an especially awful date which would leave any hot-blooded man embarrassed for his masculinity, I tried to make it work. I made the effort. I called him. Guess what happened? Yup, he smelled me coming and I never heard from him again. And, I didn’t even want him!

Quite frankly I had a hard time writing this column because this topic is tired. This constant “What if?” that we ask ourselves. Does it even matter why they don’t call? No. It pains me that I even spent this much time talking about it but alas, the fairer sex is more analytical about matters of the heart, myself included. So, for the sake of argument I suggest that in order to level the playing field you ladies out there get to know your opponent; you respect your opponent. Sound good? Just think about it for a second. I wonder what would happen if the guy who you had such a good time with, who thinks you are so into him found out that instead of waiting by the phone for his call you were with your ex two days after you were with him. Now, wouldn’t that be interesting.