Subway Moment
Saw a man standing on the subway platform today, his feet in the yellow caution zone, toes about 4 inches over the edge. I wouldn’t have noticed him if he hadn’t been as handsome as he was, rugged and cleverly dressed, with just the right slouch in the seat of his jeans, a navy blue scarf perfectly askew. But once I realized where and how he was standing, I could stare only at his feet, afraid that he was planning a jump and I was going to be that person who noticed his dangerous subway tightrope walk but didn’t say anything.
I looked for clues to his state of mind, he was staring straight ahead, looking through the opposing platform running in front. His arms were by his side, not in a casual, waiting-for-the-train way. They were stiff, he turned his head to look down the tunnel, he rocked a bit on his heels, straightened out again, took a deep breath, and in that moment I knew he was thinking, “What if I just did it…”. I looked around, no one was watching him the way I was, no one else would have to take responsibility. The first, low whisper of the approaching train began and I stepped towards him, still unsure what to do, but thinking I should be close enough to pull him back if I had to.
The train light was visible, getting closer, and suddenly he snapped right back into the world. Shook his head, took three steps back and turned to the side. My relief was palpable, I released my shoulders, which I hadn’t realized were tightened into my body, and breathed for the first time in sixty seconds.
I turned away from him, ready to let the moment go. We both got into the train, and he walked down the car to the empty seat across from me, pulled out a ratty journal and started writing. He seemed calm, was smirking to himself, jotting down notes. He had no idea that across from him was someone who had, a minute earlier, been worried he was about to kill himself.
The strangeness of that moment struck me. We can have incredible encounters every day, be involved in a multitude of stories, cause pain and joy, and never be aware that anything even occurred. I found it a beautiful thought, and I kept my eyes wide open the rest of the ride.
Jan 26, 06 09:06 PM| Comments (19)
Give Me a Rationale for Jealousy
Have had this discussion with a number of friends...curious to see what others think. Is jealousy a necessary part of a passionate, loving relationship?
I don't think so, but most people seem to disagree with me. I'm personally not a jealous person. I wouldn't be concerned that my guy is going to run off with that pretty brunette he's harmlessly flirting with at the bar...and if he did, good riddance! I find it a waste of time to worry about things that haven't happened, and I've always found jealousy an irrational emotion. Some people take it as a sign that someone cares about you, but people prone to jealousy seem to react with that emotion with every single person they are with, not just the ones they are in love with.
Just to clarify, I think jealousy is different from a certain amount of possessiveness that is natural in a relationship. Everyone needs attention, in varying degrees, and generally we want our partner to be the source of most of our attention. Being possessive about their time, their interest is a natural part of that. But why care about that cute co-worker they sit next to? If your partner is going to cheat, they are going to cheat whether you worry about it or not.
Jan 16, 06 12:41 PM| Comments (17)
More than a Mother
Just saw a clip of a 60 minutes interview with Felicity Huffman (http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2006/01/12/60minutes/main1203852.shtml). Lesley Stahl asks her rhetorically, and with a knowing smirk, “Is motherhood the best experience of your life?” Huffman’s surprising response: “"No, no, and I resent that question," Huffman says. "Because I think it puts women in an untenable position, because unless I say to you, 'Oh, Lesley, it's the best thing I've ever done with my whole life,' I'm considered a bad mother. And just when I said no you, you went back."
How refreshing! I always found it a little strange that for all the diversity of personality and opinion in women, every single one finds motherhood to be the be all and end all of their life, the greatest thing that has ever happened to them. I’m sure for many, even most women it is, but the ones who aren’t quite as enamored with motherhood should feel comfortable discussing it. Quite brave of the Desperate Housewife.
Jan 16, 06 11:27 AM| Comments (17)