By Piyali Bhattacharya
Since my last post (http://www.egothemag.com/archives/2009/11/letas_talk_abou_2.htm) was all about my engagement, I think it’s time to engage with an issue that many readers have been asking me to comment on, and that would be the big AM: Arranged Marriage. A term that any young Desi worth her salt has passionate views on. I’m no different from these Desi women, and I’d like to write this fortnight about this most daunting of topics, and maybe clear up a few of the myths surrounding it in today’s day and age.

First, let’s talk about the very definition of this term. I’d like to make clear that there are many, many different definitions of Arranged Marriage, and that the definitions often vary as much as traditions vary from family to family. The traditional definition of this term includes a young man and woman being introduced by their parents, and if everyone agrees, a wedding follows. However, in this system, the young couple very rarely are given any agency and are not always able to put forth an opinion.

I think, though, that this system is no longer necessarily what it used to be. These days, the definition of Arranged Marriage has transformed into something I might term “Assisted Dating.” I should clarify that this term only applies to a certain class and type of people. These, in my opinion, would probably be people of higher socio-economic status in South Asia, or South Asians raising their children abroad, as I have been raised. So how does Assisted Dating in our society work?

It’s a rather complicated issue. Using myself as an example, throughout high school and college I fully expected to be set up by my parents, and was pretty excited about the idea. I wasn’t really looking for people to date, and I was fairly certain that I wanted to be with someone from my background who spoke my language. I was confident my parents would be able to find someone for me who not only fulfilled all of their loose requirements, but also mine. I expected that they might introduce me to a few people they liked, and that I would date them… maybe only one of them, maybe several of them… and see how it went. And it may even have worked… if I hadn’t met someone absolutely magical first.

What I’m trying to say here is not that I don’t believe in Assisted Dating or that I think matches work out better with people you meet on your own. What I’m trying to say is that if you’re looking to be set up by your parents, you and your parents have to absolutely agree and be totally clear on what it is that you both want. Even though I met my fiancé without the help of my parents, I was not closed off to the idea of my parents introducing me to someone, given that it would happen without force or any feelings of guilt attached to it. My parents and I were on the same page about what I wanted… and that didn’t just mean I wanted someone who spoke Bengali. It meant I wanted to be with someone who understood feminism, who encouraged me to write, and who would be involved in the projects I took on. My parents had always understood that about me, and I think that’s why I had been so open to them looking for a potential partner for me. When I did find my own partner, they supported the match because they recognized that even though my fiancé wasn’t from my community, he still matched all the other qualities they would have been looking for.

Of course, none of this is possible if you and your parents cannot see eye to eye. Assisted Dating is not for Desis or non-Desis. It’s for people who trust their families to find partners for them, and for people who trust that their families will look beyond superficial and societal reasons for being with someone.

The other issue is that what I call Assisted Dating is still often referred to as Arranged Marriage. There is obviously very little I can do to change this, other than advocating a new term for the issue. However, I myself often struggle with what to do with this. Like I asked about the word “feminism,” (http://www.egothemag.com/archives/2009/09/letas_talk_abou.htm) is it a term for which we update the meaning and expect other people to catch up? Or is it an issue for which we come up with an entirely new term like “Assisted Dating”? The problem here is that a term like “feminism” has fully moved on from what it used to mean. The term “Arranged Marriage” has not. There are still people who continue to have Arranged Marriages in the most traditional sense. But there are those who are more interested in Assisted Dating… and can this still be called Arranged Marriage?

These are not questions for which I have answers, nor can I dictate who should have an Arranged Marriage and who shouldn’t. All I can say is that if someone uses the term Arranged Marriage with you, think twice before you judge them, because they may not be referring to the same thing you’re referring to when you say it!

About the author:
Piyali Bhattacharya is an American-born Desi writer who contributes pieces about South Asian American Feminisms to EGO every fortnight. Please send comments to her at piyali.ego@gmail.com or to EGO at info@egothemag.com