By Omar Haneef & Sonia M.

On February 7, 2006 EGO sent two of its intrepid reporters to a Flirteve Desi Speed Dating Event in Manhattan. With different outlooks and somewhat differing amounts of luck, the two write about their experience.

He Said
By Omar Haneef

The Motivation A guy really needs motivation to meet 20 young, single women. Pointing out the motivation for the participants is a bit like pointing out your relative's personality flaw. You don't need motivation; you need an excuse. Everyone had a cover story. My sister made me do it. My friend made me do it. I was SO bored that I paid good money, got dressed and made it across town for this. My cover was handed to me: I'm writing an article for this magazine. Thanks, editors!

The Setting Il Bastardo is a typical romantic New York restaurant, with dark wood, candle lighting, white linen and other date cues. Flirteve took over the back room where – horror of horrors – MTV desi had decided to show up and film us. Undeterred, the participants signed up and gamely took their positions.

The Shtick Forty strangers, evenly divided by gender and approximately similar in age, pile into a room. Each man sits across from each woman with a numbered card, a note paper and a pen. A bell sounds; they introduce themselves, write down the other person's name next to their number, and try to ascertain interest. After a brief three minutes, a bell rings and they move on to the next person. At the end of the evening each person marks down the person they are interested in and, if the interest is mutual, the organizers exchange emails. That is speed dating. There are many variants of it: speed dating for older people, for Lycra wearing indigenous tribes, Elvis impersonators and fans and so on.

The Players Another surprise was the neutrality of the vast majority of people. It is simply not possible, in four minutes, to really connect with someone. It is harder to remember people, harder still to keep track of who said what. Your note book becomes your best friend. You can write down little one-liners like “med student – very white teeth” or whatever, just to keep track. This means that the difference between a yes or no is, in the vast majority of cases, miniscule and mostly based on looks. Think New York City on fast forward. The statistics back me up on this: on average, people select 6 people of the 20, and are “counter matched” by 3 of the 6.

None of this explains why only 1 person matched out of the 8 that this reporter put down. In addition, the one person who did match didn’t respond to an email, as of this writing. The reason remains mysterious. Availed of vast journalistic resources, and because I happened to know friends of two non-matchers, I informally asked them what made them give me the big “N-O”. I explained that our gentle readers would require an explanation. The response:

“Anyway, I did not diss you on flirteve ... knew i would be able to get in touch with you through the oh-so-wonderful [institution name withheld] Network :)” (sic)

The other person declined to comment, as of this writing.

The Verdict Obviously, my speed dating experience was a slow motion train wreck, but I believe I am a statistical outlier. The event offers some genuine points of distinction from meeting people in other ways, and these can work in your favor.

The pros and cons are, at this stage, well worn. You get to meet a lot of people, but only superficially so that you’re not really sure if you want to proceed. The environment is controlled, safe and friendly. You don’t have to exchange numbers, and it is easy to do so if you wish to do so. However, some people stigmatize it. Several friends were surprised that anyone would go to “these things” and then write about it. I didn’t mention that MTV desi had broadcast the event across the country.

There is a lot to be said about the visceral experience of meeting 20 strangers in an evening. For one thing, I think people’s strengths and weaknesses get magnified when they are being directly contrasted with other people. A warm person seems warmer when contrasted with the annoyed person you just met; an introvert seems more introverted in comparison to their opposite. Sometimes this works in a person’s favor, but not always.

The hyper controlled timing of the situation had the feel of a psychological experiment. It reminded me of Milgram’s electric shock experiment where, in the face of authority, participants abdicate responsibility. I notice that the first person I sat across from did not talk to me until the bell rang. Then we started talking and stopped promptly when the bell rang again. The advantage is that nobody’s ego is on the line. “I am just talking to you because of them”, we seem to be saying.

If you want to talk to someone stress free, I can’t think of a better way. On the other hand, you still have to come up with something to say.

She Said
By Sonia M.

The Motivation Elle Magazine featured a story this month on ‘How to Be Single’. I flagged pointer number eight: ‘If you really want to meet someone, say yes to every offer of a setup and accept all invitations for a first date (unless the guy scares you).’ When the offer of being an undercover agent to cover Flirteve’s Valentine’s Speed Dating Special came up from EGO, I naturally said yes! What a better way to celebrate your singledom than have a queue of available men flirt with you straight in one night.

The Setting I arrived at Il Bastardo and headed straight for the bar. As I scanned the room, I found myself wondering why all the women were flocked in one part of the room and the men in the other ... Oh, right, it’s a desi event. Segregation runs deep in our blood. *Ugh* I guzzled down my drink and marched towards the registration table to meet with sweet Anamika who offered to watch my drink while I stepped out for a much-needed smoke.

The Shtick I sought refuge with Rakesh and Rahul, the organizers of the event, and found myself confessing about never having speed-dated before. They were quick to tell me I could meet potential friends. Upon further questioning, I discovered that Flirteve took off with a bang in September ‘05 and met with much success. All events have been sold out despite little or no marketing. Their mission is clear: South Asians in New York need platforms to meet each other and the market is more than ever ready for it now, hence, Flirteve. Rahul emphasized the importance of networking for South Asians and seemed eager to collaborate with other South Asian organizations to partner on events. Maybe a party with EGO, I mused with them. While both Rahul and Rakesh have full-time alternate jobs, they want to make Flirteve a profit-making venture. Now, why didn’t I ask the ‘dynamic duo’ to be the first ones on my table ...?

The Players People seemed as puzzled to see other South Asians in the room, as they were to be there themselves. ‘So how come you’re here?’ I asked the women on my left and right. One told me with embarrassment that her sister had been to a previous Flirteve event and had a lot of fun. The other seemed spunkier and told me that one of her friends had recommended Flirteve as it had been very successful for her.

I decided to approach the night like a businesswoman thinking it was all about statistics, weighing the odds of rejections and nods. So what species did I discover that night?
oThe IT consultant: 90% of the men. My comments: I’m yawning at the 10th - you guys bored the hell out of me! Err…and why were all of you from L.I.C. and NJ? Didn’t I tell you that I don’t do long distance! So, who caught my fancy out of you all? The guy who was checking his voicemail during break. I assume he has a life out of Flirteve AND he plays the mandolin!
o The lawyer: 4% of the men. My comments: Yes, you told me that you had met 6 other female lawyers that night. I pity you too, but did you care to notice I was the only one with a heart? I do public interest. Why can’t we talk about business after pleasure?
o The paparazzi: 4% of the men. My comments: My kind of men. You guys seemed much more appealing than the others. Laid back and down-to-earth, you guys seemed to have intriguing personalities and talked about ‘other’ things than the simple logistics others offered.
o The F.O.B. (fresh off the boat): 1% of the men. My comments: Didn’t any one tell you that you don’t ask women if you can ‘poke’ them - you caress them. AND I’m not a hooker! Yikes, you scared ME away. You went right down as a NO!
o The banker: 1% of the men. My comments: To the guy from the same side of the border…I opened my walls to you the other night, but I was clearly misunderstood. Can you conquer a fort if your conversation doesn’t extend beyond an SMS message? Here are my four words for you: “Easy come, easy go!”
o And the, er, best: Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m neither a man-hater nor a man-eater. I’m a sexy siren - when I sensed chemistry, you saw me gliding in and out of my seat, throwing my head back and laughing, talking a thousand miles per minutes. It’s only ‘dare and dare’ when you spin the bottle with me babeeh. I am letting the cat out of the bag for EGO: we told each other we could screw Flirteve, exchanged numbers, and snogged during recess. Except, you’ve got everything backwards – first you kiss me, then you wine me, then you dine me, and THEN you ask me back to your hotel. Not the other way around! One more faux pas: you told me that ‘you’re the one’ just like the rest. What’s love got to do, got to do with it?

The Verdict So, would I recommend Flirteve to our EGO readers? I recently invited a dashingly charming friend of mine to join me at a private tango lesson. He shot me a smile and told me: ‘I’ll give anything a try once’. So while you might think I was flirting with disaster at Il Bastardo, I would disagree. I highly recommend this mind-boggling adventurous whirlwind of a deal. On the other hand, you’ll also find me humming: ‘dontchya wish your girl friend was raw like me’ next time I see couples hooked up from Flirteve at the after-party!

Images Courtesy the Film Aashiq Banaya Aapne